Things I struggle with.

If you ask any of my family, they’ll tell you I’m not a social person. Some of them laugh when saying this, and its become a bit of a joke to them. The thing is, its wrong.

I enjoy spending time with other people, whether its big groups or small. I struggle sometimes to feel engaged with groups, depending on the subject matter, and sometimes I try too hard to stay involved with conversation. This results in me being incredibly out of my depth in discussions I’m not sure of.

This Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal could be accurately describing me in some conversations.

However, I try. One key thing in my mind though, whilst I out doing the ‘talking’ with people, is that there are other things I should be doing, rather than spending time enjoying myself. Sometimes my brain starts to list them.

It always starts with “You should be watching over the kids” and works its way on from there.

I also focus (inside my brain, rather than outside where people can see it) quite heavily on perception. I’ve noticed this more (recently) when I’ve been at the Gym. (Please don’t snigger, I’m trying to go more often). Prior to walking to each new piece of equipment, I’ll look who’s around it, to work out if I’m going to seem like a weirdo, stepping up onto a piece of equipment next to someone else, where-as I should be positioning myself as far away from others as possible.

Other peoples views of me affect me more than they should, and where their view doesn’t meet mine, it can leave me feeling… Awkward.

I’ve spent more time playing board games over the last few months. As a result, theres a small circle of friends I game with that I wouldn’t have met before. Cal has recently started referring to our games days, as Dates, and this makes me feel incredibly uncomfortable. Not because theres anything date-like about them (unless your idea of a good date is the systematic annihilation of a fantasy race, in which case…) But more that someone else might see it described as a date, and get the wrong idea. (or even someone from the group hear it described as that, and feel uncomfortable.)

These are the things that happen inside my head. I evaluate things too much.

I spent 8 years in a previous job, thinking that people had an incredibly low opinion of me, thinking that the work I did was worthless, and feeling like I spent every day doing very little.

Upon leaving, I was told (in no uncertain terms) by my boss, that they had no idea how they were going to manage without me, and that my knowledge of the system was a huge loss to the company.

Though, even now, I’m looking back and thinking “maybe he was just being nice”.

I think I need to have a long chat with my brain.

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